Exactly one week my love, and i'll feel whole again.

today i realized just how much i love my cousin. gabriel has to be my favorite family member, no doubt. he can be completely annoying, stupid, immature, and at lots of times, i just want to slap him in the face. but he is the best cousin i could ever ask for. we have fun all the time, we like all the same bands, clothes, movies. he's more my brother than he is my cousin. and unfortunately, college and his firefighter dreams will take him away from me in a flash. the only person in this house i can relate with, and i can't count on him forever. sometimes i hate the future.

it seems this day has blown by.
come to think of it...this year has been a breath long.

I'm nostalgic about this new year. In case, it's everything I've wanted; a new beginning. A chance to drop everything about this past year, and start over. Like it never happened. But then again, there's the reflection process. Thinking of all the things that have happened this year. In my case, anyway. Friendships were broken, others were repaired, amazingly fun times, lives were changed. Things happened that will always affect my life. And then there was the day that I met Mr. Gentleman. That is one thing that I do not want to leave behind in the dust. My favorite memory; among many unforgettable ones.
Then there's the future; God knows how I hate thinking of that. Agreeing with Bria, there is nothing I hate more than distance and time. I don't want the future to happen. That's all I ever talk about, yet thinking of it has me in tears. Unfortunately, my biggest flaw is that no matter what my confidence contradicts, I am a complete pessimist. The future means growing up. Freshman year will end in a few months, if I think about it. And the rest of the years will go by just as quickly. The future means the inevitable ending of things; some things that I won't be able to bear to let go. I wish life came with an optional remote control. To fast forward all the bad things. The heartbreak, the lies, the tears, the deceptions. To rewind all the amazing moments. The fun times, the laughter, the bonding, the things that make everyone closer. A pause button, to savor the moments that were nothing short of perfect. Like the day I met Mr. Gentleman. Or the amazing times. Don't get me wrong, they're still going, but the future is inevitable. And lastly, a stop button. To stop life whenever you want. Not just for you, but for everyone, for the people that are sick, and the people that have their whole life ahead of them.
At some point, I'm going to have to move away. We're all going to go our separate ways.
I don't want to move far away from my family, to where they can't see me everyday.
I don't ever want to live without my friends.
I don't ever want my heart to be in anyone's hands but his.
I don't want the future at all.
And in one more breath, it'll all be gone.
I'll be walking up, receiving my diploma.
I'll be on that plane, flying to Manhattan.
Waving goodbye to everything and everyone that made my entire life.


So for now. I'm going to stay in love with my first love. I'm going to laugh with my friends. I'm going to hang out with my family. I am going to be the fifteen year old that I am.
And pray that my mind will let me live like this forever.
...or at least a little slower.

i don't know why
but when i look up at the sky
baby, all i can see are your eyes.
ten days.

I overthink things way too much.
Doing so makes me go a little insane.
I'm a complete pessimist, but my confidence tells me I shouldn't be.
I should listen to my heart more than my mind. It's always more accurate.
I'm going to get in so much trouble for losing my algebra 2 notebook.
Bring Me The Horizon owns my life at the moment.
I really do think I could live in this weather forever.
Dad needs to give me more money, stat. Or else, I won't be able to buy my friends anything for Christmas.
Coffee is the worst possible thing to drink before bed; i know, so not obvious, huh?
Meagan is the bestest friend ever.
I have the lowest self esteem ever.
I'm going to start actually being myself, for real, starting tomorrow.
Dreams suck.
Ryan Ross really does keep me living.
I need the new BMTH shirt.
If love is so strong, and so fast, then why is it so hard to say aloud?
For everyone, I mean.
I miss mom like hell. Thanks for the tears.
There's only one certain boy that's making me smile anymore.
Free Ronnie Radke!
Terrible substitute teacher. That's it.
Screw PE.
Snow snow snow. Everywhere but here.
Ho Ho Hopefully; my Christmas anthem.
This rain and wind brings us all closer together, but nothing makes me feel more whole than you. Pacing around my mind and I know for once that things like this are good. Something I never knew. She never did anything, I never see them, I'm never good enough. You're the one thing that makes me forget, makes me smile, and makes me have purpose once again. No one ever knows how much that means. Hell, I'm not even sure if I do. Just yet. But I know I love you. Stay right here, always by my side.
"i'm feeling quite a bit better now because of you."
Quote of the week:
if you're ever lucky enough to have dreams about someone, and wake up right next to them then you'll know how i've felt the past week or so.with you i don't have to be anybody.my name is just "yours"
-ry

Wow. Mr Ross is finally inspiring to write things with actual meaning. When did that happen? Guess I'm growing up.

xoxo
-alyssa

Life Size Giraffes and Anxiety

Wow...i haven't updated this thing in so long! haha. at the moment, it's 10: 31 here in California. the sky is dark, gloomy, and oh so amazing. The weather has got to be my favorite thing about this time of year. I find dark, cold, gloomy weather to be relaxing..no one else does though..typical.
The holidays are quickly approaching us! I'm super excited to get to just sit back and relax with family and friends. something i never really get to do when school's still in. in some ways i don't want this 2 week vacation, but in more ways i desperately need it. school has been busy busy busy! so many final projects to prep for finals. apparently 3 weeks after we come back from break...yikes! Anywho, it'll be nice to have that time off. i can't wait to just hang out with everyone, and not stress about anything. life is pretty good at the moment, i'm loving it. everything feels so right. i am so very thankful for everything in my life right now. <3>

Oh, Manhattan in the Christmastime. One day I will be with you, one day.

Thank you.

Well, Happy Thanksgiving everybody! I really hope yours was spent with people you love.

Now, about what I'm thankful for:



My family: You guys are always there, no matter what. I may not always agree with everything you say, but in the end, I know you guys are just showing that you care about me. Dad, because you put up with me all the time, yet still give me things, and let me go out, even though I may not always be the angel child. Mom, because even though you're not here, I know you try, and calling shows that you still care, and you love me. Gabriel, because I could never confide in, or have a funner time with any other family member. Nina, because you are just like a mother to me, and I could never thank you enough for that. And everyone else for just being there whenever I needed you, and just being all around fun, and awesome.

My friends: I know I can be a total nutcase at times, I can be boring, annoying, stupid, loud, obnoxious, too quiet, sarcastic, and through it all, you guys stick with me. I don't think I could ever ask for better friends, because, in my opinion, none would be better than you. You listen, you give advice, and you trust me. You've seen me laugh my arms off, cry my eyes out, embarassing moments, proud accomplishments. And I hope to have you all in my life forever. I love all of you.

Miles: I don't care if it's too early to say this, but I love you. Before I met you, I didn't believe in true happiness or love. I had never been completely happy. And love; well, everytime I've seen or heard someone proclaim that they 'love' someone, it gets crushed, and way too fast, and I never wanted to experience anything that painful. But being with you, makes me truly happy, for the first time in my life. And it's also made me not only believe in love, but see it as an amazing thing. I hate thinking of the future, so I'll just say that I never want you out of my life. You're an incredible boy, and I'm still amazed that I'm lucky enough to have you. I don't know what I did to deserve you, but I thank Jon I have you, every day.

Panic at the Disco: Not only does George Ryan Ross III inspire my entire life, more than anyone could ever know, but this entire band saved me. You're music is the light in my life, and I don't know how I could have ever lived without you. You all are amazingly talented, beautiful, artists, that continue to put me in awe, every single day. Your existence also brought to life a wonderful Forum. In which I now have a family. If it wasn't for you guys, I would have never known some of the greatest people that I do now. All of us may be in all different parts of the world, but there is one thing that has brought us all together, and that is you. And words could never express how much that means to me. You may not ever know for certain how much I love you, but I know you will some day. All four of you posess the most amazing personalities and souls that I have ever had the great pleasure of knowing. Thank you so very much for being who you are.

Hair Fest

My thanksgiving break didn't start off as miserably as I thought! Yesterday, me and a bunch of friends went to Fiesta Village. It's like this mini amusement park in our town. We spend alot of time there, when we get bored. We all showed up there, and met up with some other friends there. It turned out, my boy was able to come as well, which, judging from the fact that I attacked him with a hug, made me completely ecstatic. There was also, Jessica, Steven, Sandra, Krystal and Carlos. It was a blast. We started off just hanging around, until we (well, more like Krystal and Miles) kicked down some inflatable they had in the front, and we got kicked out. Only we would, I swear. After that, we all walked to Walmart; bad thing was that, to get there, we had to cross the freeway entrance, walk over a bridge above the freeway, and down this little revine thing. Scary as hell! Hahaha, it was so fun though. We messed with the iPod stereos, made the kids playing the display Guitar Hero mess up, and danced around in the Garden section. It was the best. We left there, and went to Starbucks. Miles had a really long conversation with the cashier until she finally asked, "So, is that all for you?" Bahahaha! It was too hilarious. When we went back to Fiesta Village, everything was just super fun. My friends took pictures in a photobooth. I'm not in them, but they are the wierdest, scariest, cutest pictures ever. And by the end of the night, something happened that made me the happiest person on earth. I love him. So very much.

Foo Who?

It's 2am, 50 degrees outside, and I'm wide awake.
Typical.

Hmm..well, I'm most likely going to see my boy tomorrow. I can't wait! Well, as soon as we actually make plans. Haha. Regardless, I'll be extremely happy, whatever the case. This Thanksgiving break is like torture to me. I already miss everyone. I need to fill up my week with plans, and fast. Or maybe I should do some extra credit assignments? It would really help my grades. Well, this has only been a product of my insomnia, hence the shortness.

I'll post a longer, better blog soon.