Exactly one week my love, and i'll feel whole again.

today i realized just how much i love my cousin. gabriel has to be my favorite family member, no doubt. he can be completely annoying, stupid, immature, and at lots of times, i just want to slap him in the face. but he is the best cousin i could ever ask for. we have fun all the time, we like all the same bands, clothes, movies. he's more my brother than he is my cousin. and unfortunately, college and his firefighter dreams will take him away from me in a flash. the only person in this house i can relate with, and i can't count on him forever. sometimes i hate the future.

it seems this day has blown by.
come to think of it...this year has been a breath long.

I'm nostalgic about this new year. In case, it's everything I've wanted; a new beginning. A chance to drop everything about this past year, and start over. Like it never happened. But then again, there's the reflection process. Thinking of all the things that have happened this year. In my case, anyway. Friendships were broken, others were repaired, amazingly fun times, lives were changed. Things happened that will always affect my life. And then there was the day that I met Mr. Gentleman. That is one thing that I do not want to leave behind in the dust. My favorite memory; among many unforgettable ones.
Then there's the future; God knows how I hate thinking of that. Agreeing with Bria, there is nothing I hate more than distance and time. I don't want the future to happen. That's all I ever talk about, yet thinking of it has me in tears. Unfortunately, my biggest flaw is that no matter what my confidence contradicts, I am a complete pessimist. The future means growing up. Freshman year will end in a few months, if I think about it. And the rest of the years will go by just as quickly. The future means the inevitable ending of things; some things that I won't be able to bear to let go. I wish life came with an optional remote control. To fast forward all the bad things. The heartbreak, the lies, the tears, the deceptions. To rewind all the amazing moments. The fun times, the laughter, the bonding, the things that make everyone closer. A pause button, to savor the moments that were nothing short of perfect. Like the day I met Mr. Gentleman. Or the amazing times. Don't get me wrong, they're still going, but the future is inevitable. And lastly, a stop button. To stop life whenever you want. Not just for you, but for everyone, for the people that are sick, and the people that have their whole life ahead of them.
At some point, I'm going to have to move away. We're all going to go our separate ways.
I don't want to move far away from my family, to where they can't see me everyday.
I don't ever want to live without my friends.
I don't ever want my heart to be in anyone's hands but his.
I don't want the future at all.
And in one more breath, it'll all be gone.
I'll be walking up, receiving my diploma.
I'll be on that plane, flying to Manhattan.
Waving goodbye to everything and everyone that made my entire life.


So for now. I'm going to stay in love with my first love. I'm going to laugh with my friends. I'm going to hang out with my family. I am going to be the fifteen year old that I am.
And pray that my mind will let me live like this forever.
...or at least a little slower.

i don't know why
but when i look up at the sky
baby, all i can see are your eyes.
ten days.

I overthink things way too much.
Doing so makes me go a little insane.
I'm a complete pessimist, but my confidence tells me I shouldn't be.
I should listen to my heart more than my mind. It's always more accurate.
I'm going to get in so much trouble for losing my algebra 2 notebook.
Bring Me The Horizon owns my life at the moment.
I really do think I could live in this weather forever.
Dad needs to give me more money, stat. Or else, I won't be able to buy my friends anything for Christmas.
Coffee is the worst possible thing to drink before bed; i know, so not obvious, huh?
Meagan is the bestest friend ever.
I have the lowest self esteem ever.
I'm going to start actually being myself, for real, starting tomorrow.
Dreams suck.
Ryan Ross really does keep me living.
I need the new BMTH shirt.
If love is so strong, and so fast, then why is it so hard to say aloud?
For everyone, I mean.
I miss mom like hell. Thanks for the tears.
There's only one certain boy that's making me smile anymore.
Free Ronnie Radke!
Terrible substitute teacher. That's it.
Screw PE.
Snow snow snow. Everywhere but here.
Ho Ho Hopefully; my Christmas anthem.
This rain and wind brings us all closer together, but nothing makes me feel more whole than you. Pacing around my mind and I know for once that things like this are good. Something I never knew. She never did anything, I never see them, I'm never good enough. You're the one thing that makes me forget, makes me smile, and makes me have purpose once again. No one ever knows how much that means. Hell, I'm not even sure if I do. Just yet. But I know I love you. Stay right here, always by my side.
"i'm feeling quite a bit better now because of you."
Quote of the week:
if you're ever lucky enough to have dreams about someone, and wake up right next to them then you'll know how i've felt the past week or so.with you i don't have to be anybody.my name is just "yours"
-ry

Wow. Mr Ross is finally inspiring to write things with actual meaning. When did that happen? Guess I'm growing up.

xoxo
-alyssa

Life Size Giraffes and Anxiety

Wow...i haven't updated this thing in so long! haha. at the moment, it's 10: 31 here in California. the sky is dark, gloomy, and oh so amazing. The weather has got to be my favorite thing about this time of year. I find dark, cold, gloomy weather to be relaxing..no one else does though..typical.
The holidays are quickly approaching us! I'm super excited to get to just sit back and relax with family and friends. something i never really get to do when school's still in. in some ways i don't want this 2 week vacation, but in more ways i desperately need it. school has been busy busy busy! so many final projects to prep for finals. apparently 3 weeks after we come back from break...yikes! Anywho, it'll be nice to have that time off. i can't wait to just hang out with everyone, and not stress about anything. life is pretty good at the moment, i'm loving it. everything feels so right. i am so very thankful for everything in my life right now. <3>

Oh, Manhattan in the Christmastime. One day I will be with you, one day.